In honour of mental health week I thought I'd use the occasion and tell a bit about my own struggle with mental health. I've wanted to write a post on this for a very long time but even though I love reading other peoples posts about mental illness and the stigma around it drastically decreased, it's still one thing to support others with their honesty but it's another to publish your very own struggle on the internet. But since there is still a huge stigma around this whole thing I thought the only way for me to help change that is by sharing my own story.
So, yes. I have a mental illness *People gasping in shock* *women fainting in the background*
Even I find it really akward to say this out loud because being metntally ill is STILL extremely stigmatized.. But the truth is every 4th human being on this planet struggles with some sort of mental illness at some point in their life and still people find it inappropriate or uncomfortble to talk about.
I don't want to go into to much detail here because it would take me hours and hours to tell all the details and things that happened that contributed to this but basically I suffer from General Anxiety Disorder and Panic Disorder. Even though I have always been a relatively anxious child and teen it have been my adult years who proved themselves to be the hardest for me. Anxiety is a treatable condition but treatment isn't a piece of cake and since my first full on panic attack three years ago I've put a lot of work, tears and therapy into my treatment. I'm not cured yet but at this point I feel like I'm making baby steps into the right direction everyday.
Anxiety really is something I would't even wish on my worst enemy because it's exhausting and devastating and it sucks so much joy and time out of your life and soul that you sometimes wonder how anyone could live like this without going crazy. My anxiety is reason why many things in my life aren't the way I would wish them to be or imagined them to be when I was younger. Anxiety paralyzes you into a state of constant worry and fear in which you find it impossible to act or think they way you want to. At low points it's full on controlling your life even though you don't want it to. Due to my anxiety I don't travel as much as I'd like to, I don't go out as much as I would like to, I am unable to use most forms of public transportation and I have a hard time accepting and confronting change in my life. My mind always knows best how to convince me of the worst case scenario that could possibly happen in any situation and leads me to believe that danger and death hide behind every corner since my anxiety mostly centers around a fear of death and illness and losing people that are close to me.
If all this worry and fear is intensified by external and internal factors a panic attack is likely to happen. A panic attack is to this day still the worst feeling I've experienced in my life. It literally feels like you're dying. A panic attack is your body going into fight-or-flight response which it normally only does if you're in life-threatening danger. Everyone experiences anxiety and panic attacks differently but in my case my heart is racing, my throat is closing up and I find it hard to breathe, I get extremely dizzy, my feet and hands get numb, sounds and lights become intensified and I feel like the whole world is crashing down on me. These symptoms are all real and can be measured, the only thing that's in your head at this point is the danger your brain thinks you're in. I've had panic attacks in cars, in subways, in trains, in supermarkets, at night clubs, at doctors offices, in uni, at work, at freaking ZARA and even in the comfort of my own home.
Of course there are situations in which you can predict you're likely going to have a panic attack because they trigger you. In my case these situations always involve being in a place where I can't leave like planes, the hairdresser or even queues. Which, of course makes you want to avoid these kind of situations. Avoidance isn't a strategy though and only makes the fear worse. But sometimes a panic attack is triggered by something you have no knowledge of and suprises you completely. After a panic attack my body feels drained and needs a couple of days to recover from it, which is something you can't really explain to people when they ask you why you're so tired and why you're muscles are aching. It's also hard to explain that your body produces so much adrenaline on a daily basis that you have a constantly increased heartbeat, irregular breathing and feel exhausted in the evenings even if you didn't do anything but lay in your bed.
Some people have a really hard time comprehending mental illnesses, especially if they never battled with them themselves, which makes it hard for people to openly talk about it because others can be disinformed and judgemental.
Mental health is just as in important as your general physical health, which is something many people still don't want to recognize. In my battle with anxiety I would have wished for a much more open discussion in society, especially in my country, as I find that the stigma around it is bigger here than in the UK or the USA for example. People who have mental health problems have nothing to be ashamed of and deserve help, sympathy and an open ear as anyone else who is ill. Having a mental illness doesn't make you crazy or weak; if anything it makes you stronger than the people around you as you fight a silent battle inside you everyday and still manage to function as a human being (at least most of the time). But it's also important to always meet strangers with kindness as everyone is fighting their own battle that you know nothing about.
In the last year, with the help of a therapist and my incredibly supportive family and friends, I have made major steps into the direction of overcoming my anxiety, but I also had major set backs. However I will continue to try to not let it define me and rule my life and I'm confident that one day I will live my life without fear again and that's something everyone who struggles with mental health should have hope for.
xx Laura
